my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If you know, you know
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
pictures of spider-man
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.