my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
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Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.