my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
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I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
My dad is at it again
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me too door. Me too.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses