My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
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BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
HR said no more nunchucks.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?