My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
You Might Also Like
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
fly smarter, not harder
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.