Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.