Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.