My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
goldfish mafia
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
