My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
being a writer on Twitter:
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
You wish you had this many chins.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
