Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

You sure about that?

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need