Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.