Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.