Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence