My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5![]()
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine