@Gooooats

My daughter can just cut and paste into google translate to do her French homework, and she learns nothing. When I was her age I had to learn nothing the hard way.

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@StinkyGr33n

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

@mommajessiec

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

@Boba_Photo

She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.

@lyric_intent

Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

@LilNasX

i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍

@NewDadNotes

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

@Moi_RaRa

Reasons Why us girls cry:

happy: 5%
sad: 5%

Who the hell knows!!: 90%

@SteveSuckington

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman