Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
one last job
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Lube but for my dry humor.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad