My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
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Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder