My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
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new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Fidel Castro was alive?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel