My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
You Might Also Like
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
