My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
pain
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.