My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
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Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!