My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
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Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Morning all.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
the Monday after daylight savings
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics