Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

doing your own taxes

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.