My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
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Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
estão todos miauvindo?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
want me to check your oil?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.