My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
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being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Go gym
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this