My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
This week’s mood.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Meant to tell my coworker, “Hey, how’s it going?” but it accidentally came out as, “Raise your hand during a meeting one more goddamn time and I will end you.”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
in 3 months
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
This did not end as expected.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money