Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

😭😭😭

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*