My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
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Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant