My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
💀😭
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.