Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

repaired

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back