my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
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Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
worst…sale…ever
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Just a friendly reminder!
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.