Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

me hooking up with my ex

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.