My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
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yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
