My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
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If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you