Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Hotels are back

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.