Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The happy life.. 😊

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

absolutely not

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese