Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza