Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
You Might Also Like
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Sorry. Not sorry
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.