Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

ㅤ

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

I hate my earbuds.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

My mom texting me from an anime convention

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.