My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
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you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.