Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

Only you can prevent podcasts

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

I think my mom just blocked me

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.