My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
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it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!