My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind