My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Anarchy
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.