My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
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Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
absolute chaos
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster