My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
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Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!