My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
no such thing as a dumb question
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke