Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

A completely valid reaction tbh

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.