My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
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I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
iPhone X
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.