Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

this is the best interaction on twitter

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests