@mommajessiec

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

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@LloBrow

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

@AmberSmelson

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

@refinedrednec

I have a way with words. It’s the wrong way but it’s still a way.

@recoveringbapti

The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…

@BubblesnBooze

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

@CranalBeads

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

@AlanFelyk

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

@meatlobes

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

@C00LpenNAME

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?