me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
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I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I have a way with words. It’s the wrong way but it’s still a way.
The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?