My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.