My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Dogs lick you because they love you.
Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
🤣😂🤣😂
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be