Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

🙁

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?