Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

The best shot in the history of golf

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs