Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

Basically.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

WWE is French for “yes”

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.