My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
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ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving