My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
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Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
It’s his time
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches