Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.