Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

Monday

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

(Every historical tour)

Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture

Me: Oh wow very cool

Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

How about daylight saves us for once

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space