My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.