Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much