My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”