Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field