Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.