Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?