My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
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Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
These work great until they don’t.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
