My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
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Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
