My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
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Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
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🔘 all of the above
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
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