My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Just grow your own
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,