Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

prepare for carbonated trouble

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

let’s discuss

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

I have a black belt in leather

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.