My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
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Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
man: wait
time: no
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
