My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
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In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming