My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I am having an out of money experience.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line