My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Me when I hear gossip
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
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*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.