Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.