Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.