My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
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stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Seductively sings in Klingon.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u