Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

Oh yeh? Explain this then

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.